The Trouble with Dragons
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| Heading out! Most excited she's ever looked... |
First there was Quokka and her major sad because she was left behind. After dropping her sister off, we went to run errands and there was major droopyness in the Lowe’s parking lot. I started asking questions because I figured I knew what was going on, but I wanted her to think about where exactly the bad feelings were coming from so she could acknowledge and manage her emotions.
Sometimes I’m an ass.
Though, in my defense, no one had previously said anything to, or in front of, me about what was really going on. I had no idea we had critical sister relationship tension already brewing.
All smug and assured of my insightful mom-ness, I probed, “So, why do you think you feel so sad and upset with your sister? Do you think maybe there’s some jealousy in there because the sleep over for your friend’s birthday got canceled?”
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| Sad face |
Uh-oh. I really had no idea all of that was festering in there. After a deep breath and a mental smack upside my head, I dove in.
(We kept going on the errands though because the quest for a better fan was critical. It has been H. O. T. HOT, and our damn air conditioning is broken. Pretty sure the 95+ temps in the house are not helping anyone’s temper.)
So we searched and talked about why her sister might be doing this. I gently tried to redirect her back to her feelings and away from the litany of negativity about what her sister may or may not be doing. I pointed out that if she didn't talk to Athena about these things, she would never know why it was happening, and she would never be able to make anything better.
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| Happy face |
When we got home, Badger was concerned that we’d shown up without her sister and a teensy bit grumpy that she didn't get to go with. I explained, again, that the store is not a clothing-optional place, that she’d see her sister the next day, that she really needed to hug and tickle her big sister, and all was right again in Badger-land.
Mr. Puff was busy being all kinds of anxious about his bobble-headed baby-doll being off in the big bad world…we worked around him for the rest of the evening and had a good time together.
Yay, crisis averted.
Uhm, no.
The Dawn Cometh
I went alone to pick up Athena the next morning, and continue the quest for out-of-season fans at the nearest Home Depot (hottest part of the year here - no fans to be found). I figured the errand would give Athena time to gush about the party without rubbing it in her sisters’ faces. She was bubbling with excitement and I-didn’t-sleep-all-night adrenaline from her awesome first sleep-over experience.She exclaimed and expounded all the way there, all the way through the store, and most of the way home, ending with her plan to have another sleep over at her friend’s house. I pointed out that we could not make that friend’s parents have a sleep over on demand, so she asked about another friend and another and the parents of the little girl where she'd just spend the night.
At this point, I’m feeling a little confused and perturbed. What the heck is wrong with our house? Why would she not want to invite her friends over to spend the night with us?
I queried in the most neutral tone I could muster, “Soooo, why do you want to have it everywhere but your own house?”
Athena’s face flashed from excited to sheepish, “Well, I do, but…”
“But what?”
“Well, there’s Quokka and…never mind.”
My brain flashed back to the tragic outpouring from Quokka the night before, “What about Quokka?”
“Well…” Athena squirmed in her seat, “It’s just that she acts like a dragon all the time and it’s really embarrassing, and we just want to be normal and play with our AG dolls.”
So, here it was, the root of the problem, the why behind Athena’s rejection of her sister – which was not all in Quokka’s imagination after all.
I felt my face tighten up, and a lump swell in my throat. Poor Quokka. Poor enthusiastic, joyful, imaginative, eccentric Quokka. I took a deep breath and let it out slow in a sigh that reached back to my own strange and awkward childhood; where pretending to be a horse most of the time had limited my social standing, and undoubtedly made other people talk and feel about me like Athena was feeling and talking about her big sister.
Athena has figured out how to fit in – a good and bad thing really, and a topic for another time – Quokka is still struggling – which is sad on so many levels.
I really want to help Quokka find her way and not lose her real self, but I also want her to be able to interact with other people and be considered “normal” because being the “odd” kid can be a really lonely thing. This process is going to take time. The brewing sister crisis, on the other hand, is somewhat more immediate.
I cleared my throat, “Okay, I hear what you’re saying, and that can be awkward, but that’s who Quokka is. I think you need to talk to your sister about your feelings on this so that she can understand and has the opportunity to talk to you about it, and maybe do something to make it better when you all play together.
Meanwhile, if your friends are being mean to your big sister and making fun of her for who she is, that’s really not cool. I understand you being embarrassed maybe, but you should still stick up for your sister.”
“Oh, no. They don’t make fun of her. I would say something,” Athena assured. Then she was back to plotting the next sleep over, and we went onward to a quiet Sunday at home with the family.
Yay! Joy! Warm fuzzy feelings!
Smack me. No really, I need it.
Are You Talking to Me?
Apparently, I was delusional. Was it the heat? Was it exhaustion from the emotional storm the night before? I don’t know.Maybe I thought, foolishly, that the girls would choose to have this talk when I was there to help mediate the discussion. Yeah, not so much…
Instead, I walked in just as Quokka, standing at the foot of the stairs with tears streaming down her face, demanded to know why Athena was so mad all the time and wouldn't play with her anymore.
To which Athena replied, “well, you act like a dragon all the time and it’s really embarrassing so I don’t want you to play with my friends.”
Quokka emitted a mouse-squeak cry and curled in on herself until she lay in a sobbing heap at the bottom of the stairs.
I sucked in a hard breath, “Athena! Why would you say that to her?”
“That’s what you told me to say!” Athena wailed and plopped down on the stairs crying.
So there I was, two sobbing kids on either side of me, a full laundry basked propped on my hip, and a naked toddler tugging on my shorts, “Are they mad to me?” Badger inquired.
“No sweetie. I think they’re sad to each other right now.”
“Okay!” and off she ran.
I wanted to follow her…oh, so much.
Instead, I pulled up my mom pants and sat on the stairs between them. Then I opened my arms and reeled in a weeping kid on each side.
We spent the next hour talking about what it means to fit in, and what we sacrifice of ourselves when we’re too focused on not standing out.
We discussed compromise, and ensuring that everyone gives and takes turns being in charge of the game instead of insisting that it always be one way.
We talked about my awkward youth, what I learned from it, and what I gained and lost along the way.
We talked about kindness, what it means to love your sister, and what that looks like from both of them.
We talked about Quokka’s uniqueness, imagination, enthusiasm and energetic approach to life, and how special she is.
We talked about Athena’s ability to fit into whatever group she finds herself in, her masterful manipulation of social situations, and her sensitivity to judgment from others, and how special she is.
In the end, a lot of hugs were exchanged, including a few drive-by, sweaty cuddles from a rampaging Badger, and a truce was negotiated for the rest of the day.
I hope they remember some of what we talked about and it makes a difference in their relationship. I hope I helped them continue to learn and grow and be better to each other. I hope they learned more about kindness and what it means to be really loving and accepting toward another person.
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| Sisters |
And Then…
This Sunday I tossed the two older girls out the door to ride their bikes around the neighborhood. They rode and rode for hours. They had plots and adventures. They ran in and out of the house sweaty, and flushed, and smiling, to get ice, check-in and procure snacks.As I put everyone to bed Sunday night, Athena hugged me hard around the neck and announced, “I’m glad you made us go ride together. It was fun and we re-bonded with each other. Thanks mom.”
I kissed her and hugged her back hard and told her she was welcome.
I waited until I got out of the room to cry.
