What Love Looks Like
When I started out having kids I knew I wanted to have more than one – my original plan was to have an even two and stop there. I also wanted to have those kids fairly close together. I grew up with a sister who was only 16 months older than me and we had the best time getting into all sorts of trouble together, and I wanted my kids to have the opportunity to have that close playmate and partner in crime.
Bonus to having kids close together – that built- in playmate is ready to rock sooner rather than later.
I didn’t feel quite up to meeting my mom’s timeline of getting pregnant when the first kid was only seven months old, but I knocked out the second kid right around when I was aiming for, and my two even kids were an even two years and two months apart.
Then we got frisky, and a teeny bit nuts, and decided what we really wanted was another child.
The two girls were great – really they were. We had felt for years that our family was complete and we were good. But then we just got to feeling like someone was missing, and we wanted to meet that someone more than we wanted to easily afford a vacation or nicer car.
We tried to create that third little person closer to the first two…but it didn’t work out like we planned and she arrived a bit later.
Badger joined us in September of 2010, four years and 5 days after her middle sister and six years, two months after her oldest sister.
That’s a significant age gap in terms of interests, capabilities and needs - especially when two are so close in age and the third is a distant little satellite.
That age gap made some things easier – the six and four year old could get their own cereal while I dealt with the baby, for example. We only had one kid in diapers. The six year-old was actually helpful at times.
But in other ways, that age gap has been really hard. The other two sometimes feel like I’ve given Badger the bulk of my time because she needed more help physically than they did over the past five years. And some things we do as a family are limited by the physical size of their little sister.
Quokka and Athena are wonderful big sisters and remarkably patient with their little Badger. Often, one or the other of them will play with her of their own volition because she will happily play games neither will play with each other. She will enthusiastically play dragons with Quokka and just as excitedly engage in elaborate doll interactions with Athena.
Then there are times when Badger is totally the pesky little sister who steals their things, demands attention, wreaks havoc and raises unapologetic hell. She is clever and contrary and frequently up to no good.
She can be a difficult little person to live with, no matter how much you love her. Sometimes, her sisters question why we decided to do this – bring this feisty little dictator into our family unit.
“I know,” I agreed, “and if you’ll recall, I tried. If it had worked out the first time, your brother would have only been three years younger than you.”
She sighed, “I know. I’m sorry.”
“No baby, it’s okay. I get where you’re coming from, that’s why I tried to make it closer.”
She slung her arm around me for a moment, and then the day moved on and she helped her little sister get a cup of apple juice, after the requisite debate about how much water needed to be in the cup with the juice.
Badger is amazingly understanding for a little person who just turned five. Not that she doesn’t have her unreasonable tyrant moments – she does, in spades. But she understands there are certain things she just can’t do. I think it’s because her food allergies taught her young that she had to skip some stuff that looked fun or good because that’s just how it has to be to keep her safe. So she learned to take “no” in stride and look for alternatives.
So, when we explain that there are things her sisters can go and do that she’s still too small for, she asks “why” a bunch of times, and then she nods and gets on with her day.
One of these things that she still can’t do is ride her bike around the neighborhood with her sisters. There are a few reasons for this. First, she’s still wobbly and not very fast, so she can’t keep up with her speedy sisters. Second, I don’t want to burden them with having to watch her, which would turn their bike rides from a fun, collaborative adventure into a babysitting session. Third, Badger is a badger – she’s contrary and sometimes does things just to thumb her nose at whoever is telling her whatever; which is why she recently swallowed a Lego brick right in front of her sisters. They told her to take it out of her mouth, and in a fit of defiance she swallowed it…on purpose. Gah! Finally, at five she doesn’t have the judgment to make me confident she wouldn’t do something silly and get hit by a car.
Then there was the day her sisters came back.
They went out riding and a half hour later came back to the house with a pack of neighborhood friends. They had snacks and drinks; they hung out for a bit to cool off. They lounged in the trees in our front yard. They were older and cool.
Badger, still four at the time, was so excited to hang out with all of the older kids. They were out front, where she’s allowed to ride her bike or scooter up and down the sidewalk as long as someone is with her. She rushed to put on her tennis shoes, get her helmet and drag her scooter from the back yard to the front.
I was at the front windows when she rushed out shouting, “you guys, I’m gonna ride my scooter with you.”
She got there just in time to see her sisters disappear up the street and around the corner with their friends.
She stood frozen at the edge of the sidewalk, scooter hanging from one hand, helmet dangling by its straps from the other and stared up the street to where her sisters had gone and she could not follow. Her little body drooped and she turned slowly back toward the house dragging her scooter behind her. I rushed out to give her a hug and tell her that I would sit out front so that she could ride her scooter for a bit.
“It’s okay mama. I guess they wanted to have an adventure.”
I took a deep breath and held it to keep from sobbing at her sad acceptance and suggested we go have a Popsicle. She rode her scooter on the back patio for a bit, then came in to play with her toys alone.
When her sisters came home for dinner, she hugged them and asked if they had fun. She wasn’t mad they left her behind, she didn’t take it out on them, they never even knew she wanted to ride her scooter with them.
Badger smiled and told them it was okay, they didn’t need to be sad.
They both rushed around the table to hug this complex and generous little soul we are all blessed to have the opportunity to meet.
Bonus to having kids close together – that built- in playmate is ready to rock sooner rather than later.
I didn’t feel quite up to meeting my mom’s timeline of getting pregnant when the first kid was only seven months old, but I knocked out the second kid right around when I was aiming for, and my two even kids were an even two years and two months apart.
Then we got frisky, and a teeny bit nuts, and decided what we really wanted was another child.
The two girls were great – really they were. We had felt for years that our family was complete and we were good. But then we just got to feeling like someone was missing, and we wanted to meet that someone more than we wanted to easily afford a vacation or nicer car.
We tried to create that third little person closer to the first two…but it didn’t work out like we planned and she arrived a bit later.
Badger joined us in September of 2010, four years and 5 days after her middle sister and six years, two months after her oldest sister.
That’s a significant age gap in terms of interests, capabilities and needs - especially when two are so close in age and the third is a distant little satellite.
That age gap made some things easier – the six and four year old could get their own cereal while I dealt with the baby, for example. We only had one kid in diapers. The six year-old was actually helpful at times.
But in other ways, that age gap has been really hard. The other two sometimes feel like I’ve given Badger the bulk of my time because she needed more help physically than they did over the past five years. And some things we do as a family are limited by the physical size of their little sister.
Quokka and Athena are wonderful big sisters and remarkably patient with their little Badger. Often, one or the other of them will play with her of their own volition because she will happily play games neither will play with each other. She will enthusiastically play dragons with Quokka and just as excitedly engage in elaborate doll interactions with Athena.Then there are times when Badger is totally the pesky little sister who steals their things, demands attention, wreaks havoc and raises unapologetic hell. She is clever and contrary and frequently up to no good.
She can be a difficult little person to live with, no matter how much you love her. Sometimes, her sisters question why we decided to do this – bring this feisty little dictator into our family unit.
Counting Time
Athena once turned to me, quite randomly, and declared, “you know mom, it would make things a whole lot easier if Badger were closer to us in age.”“I know,” I agreed, “and if you’ll recall, I tried. If it had worked out the first time, your brother would have only been three years younger than you.”
She sighed, “I know. I’m sorry.”
“No baby, it’s okay. I get where you’re coming from, that’s why I tried to make it closer.”
She slung her arm around me for a moment, and then the day moved on and she helped her little sister get a cup of apple juice, after the requisite debate about how much water needed to be in the cup with the juice.
The One Always Left Behind
But then, then there are all the things that her big sisters don't see - the times Badger is left behind and doesn't wail or rage. All of the things she misses out on because she’s too young, too small, too far apart from them to join in.Badger is amazingly understanding for a little person who just turned five. Not that she doesn’t have her unreasonable tyrant moments – she does, in spades. But she understands there are certain things she just can’t do. I think it’s because her food allergies taught her young that she had to skip some stuff that looked fun or good because that’s just how it has to be to keep her safe. So she learned to take “no” in stride and look for alternatives.
So, when we explain that there are things her sisters can go and do that she’s still too small for, she asks “why” a bunch of times, and then she nods and gets on with her day.
One of these things that she still can’t do is ride her bike around the neighborhood with her sisters. There are a few reasons for this. First, she’s still wobbly and not very fast, so she can’t keep up with her speedy sisters. Second, I don’t want to burden them with having to watch her, which would turn their bike rides from a fun, collaborative adventure into a babysitting session. Third, Badger is a badger – she’s contrary and sometimes does things just to thumb her nose at whoever is telling her whatever; which is why she recently swallowed a Lego brick right in front of her sisters. They told her to take it out of her mouth, and in a fit of defiance she swallowed it…on purpose. Gah! Finally, at five she doesn’t have the judgment to make me confident she wouldn’t do something silly and get hit by a car.
Then there was the day her sisters came back.
They went out riding and a half hour later came back to the house with a pack of neighborhood friends. They had snacks and drinks; they hung out for a bit to cool off. They lounged in the trees in our front yard. They were older and cool.
Badger, still four at the time, was so excited to hang out with all of the older kids. They were out front, where she’s allowed to ride her bike or scooter up and down the sidewalk as long as someone is with her. She rushed to put on her tennis shoes, get her helmet and drag her scooter from the back yard to the front.
I was at the front windows when she rushed out shouting, “you guys, I’m gonna ride my scooter with you.”
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| "Reading" alone |
She stood frozen at the edge of the sidewalk, scooter hanging from one hand, helmet dangling by its straps from the other and stared up the street to where her sisters had gone and she could not follow. Her little body drooped and she turned slowly back toward the house dragging her scooter behind her. I rushed out to give her a hug and tell her that I would sit out front so that she could ride her scooter for a bit.
“It’s okay mama. I guess they wanted to have an adventure.”
I took a deep breath and held it to keep from sobbing at her sad acceptance and suggested we go have a Popsicle. She rode her scooter on the back patio for a bit, then came in to play with her toys alone.
When her sisters came home for dinner, she hugged them and asked if they had fun. She wasn’t mad they left her behind, she didn’t take it out on them, they never even knew she wanted to ride her scooter with them.
And Then You See It
The following Monday, when we had our weekly family meeting and shared appreciations with each other, I explained to the whole family how much I appreciated Badger’s understanding, acceptance and love of her sisters. As they listened to the story they both had tears in their eyes, and Quokka began to sob.Badger smiled and told them it was okay, they didn’t need to be sad.
They both rushed around the table to hug this complex and generous little soul we are all blessed to have the opportunity to meet.
