To Elf or Not to Elf...

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I love the holidays, LOVE them.  Except when I don’t.

It’s not really about not loving the holidays; it’s about not loving what they turn me into, and some of the crap that comes with all of the good stuff.
Clearly Christmas is strange enough at our house...

Shopping for example, I hate shopping. Picking out just the right thing for someone I care about brings a lot of joy and satisfaction. Having to go to the mall to do so is like a trip to the seventh circle of hell.

Now there is a new thing to irritate me about the holidays and I can’t wait until the fad dies and we can all just stop. I bet you have an idea of what I’m talking about, don’t you, because most people don't like it except for the few who have turned it into another competitive parenting event.

Yes, it’s that creepy, irritating elf on the shelf.

First, it’s damned creepy. Like, kill-everyone-in-their-sleep creepy. If it doesn’t creep you out, good for you! I would not be able to sleep with that creepy thing in my house, and pretending it moves at night is enough to give me epic nightmares.

Second, why the hell are we finding something else that’s supposed monitor our kids and threaten punishment for bad behavior? Has anyone EVER not given their kid a gift because they weren’t well behaved during the month of December? Doesn’t that make the elf one more empty threat? And yes, I’ve actually heard a mother in a store with a screaming child threaten that she was going to tell the elf about this when they got home if the kid didn’t stop shrieking.  The kid did not stop shrieking. 

Sorry, if you don’t have a good grip on your kid the rest of the year, a creepy plastic elf is not going to do the trick in December. And, for real, toddlers don’t enjoy marathon shopping sessions at the mall any more than I do. I completely supported the kid at that point.

Also, this whole thing about moving the elf and night and having it do “naughty” things (creeps me out just writing that); how exactly is this supposed to encourage the kids to be good? It looks like another opportunity for kids to learn about the hypocrisy of authority figures. Yes, you little hooligans, the juvenile delinquent elf is gonna tattle on your asses if you’re not little angels. But in the meanwhile, he’s gonna hit the liquor and toss flour all over the floor for mom to clean up because she LOVES cleaning up other people’s messes! ARGH!

And that brings me to the last bit of this rant…Why, WHY do people feel the need to post about their elf’s “shenanigans” on the internet?

I’ll tell you why, because it’s one more area for parents, mostly moms, to one-up each other. They post the pictures under the guise of, “oh, ha-ha, isn’t this funny!” But that’s not really the point and we all know it. The real message is a not-so-subtle, shitty, competitive mom thing.  Oh look at how creative, funny, clever I am. I’m a better mom than you and my kids are having WAY more fun. Never mind that all I’m really doing is creating more work for myself so that I can have a brief feeling of superiority.

At some point, we’re all going to figure this out and just say NO. The backlash is coming…oh yes, it is.

If it were really just about giving your kid a fun childhood, you would either move the damn elf, or not, and keep it to yourself. If your elf tableau was really hysterical, you’d tell your sister or your friend and laugh together and then get on with it.

Instead, we have TODAY Parents, via PopSugar Moms, giving us “inspiration” for things we should do with the damn elf in case we’ve run out of creepy ideas. 66 different things to do, to be exact. Things that involve creepy little hot air balloons and stealing chocolate and drinking syrup with a straw. Yeah, that’s right, give the kids bad ideas you little asshole elf! Looking at the pictures, all I could think is: ants. ANTS! Motherf$#!ing ANTS EVERYWHERE!

No, no, no, no, no!

Seeing the article in my news feed made me want to buy an elf just so I could have a ceremonial bonfire in the back yard. Sacrifice an elf to save Christmas! That must be required somewhere.

I’m okay with the commercialization of Christmas – for one thing, the shopping keeps our economy humming. There’s a reason they call it Black Friday and it’s not to honor injured and fallen retail workers (hey, I did my time – five Black Fridays working retail in college). What I’m not okay with is trying to make the holidays even harder and more of a competitive event for parents, particularly moms.

Yes, it’s up to us whether or not we participate. I choose no because, as I’ve previously mentioned, doing the basic holiday thing is hard enough. But, the mom-focused and driven advertising is relentless. Every year since that creepy thing appeared on shelves and my Facebook feed, I’ve had to field questions from my kids about why I won’t buy the damn elf and create "cute" scenes the way their friends’ moms do. (Um, because then I’d have to drink myself unconscious every night just to sleep in the house with it?)

Why not? Let me tell you why not…
  • Because cute, memorable Christmases shouldn’t be a competitive sport
  • Because I don’t need one more damn thing to do
  • Because holiday traditions should be personal and unique to each family, not another thing fed to us by a retailer wanting to make a buck (the elf now has a reindeer friend to buy, and outfits like a creepy, metro, holiday-themed Ken doll)
  • Because I don’t need some creepy elf police state to threaten my kids, I can do that just fine on my own thanks
  • Because the holidays are magical enough without some manufactured “wonder” about a creepy, ill-behaved, delinquent elf screwing up the house
  • Because I don’t need to prove I’m more clever or dedicated or energetic than anyone else’s mom
What it's all about...

If you love the elf on the shelf and you and your kids get a kick out of it…great! Keep at it. Have fun! But keep it to yourself, really, I beg of you. This is not another opportunity to show me you’re a better mom than I am. Really, it’s not.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to tamp down my perfectionist streak and let this Christmas be good enough. I’m trying to live my pledge to opt out of all the other over-the-top crap that tends to come with the holidays. I’m trying really had to focus on the right things this Christmas – the kids and their joy at the simplest things, the lovely warmth and kindness of the holidays outside the mall. I’m leaving the competitive elfing to everyone else.

It’s working…mostly…with an assist from a small glass of Bailey’s now and then.

Happy Holidays!



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