Don't Call Me Cute
If you pay attention to cultural commentary or women's issues, you'll hear something about how women are objectified in our culture, and while we know the definition, it can be hard to describe what it looks like in our personal lives. Athena, being only seven, doesn't know the definition and doesn't even recognize the word, but she’s already figured out how soul-sucking objectification can be.
Athena has always been cute (okay, not always - she did have a couple of months of looking like Winston Churchill, but other than that, the cute is nearly painful in intensity). I mean really grab-her-up-and-munch-her-cheeks cute. Her head was in the 98th percentile when she was born (gets it from her big-headed dad, who is also pretty damn cute and extremely photogenic). Now, that sounds like it would be freaky looking right? Nope, what it does is make a person look like a living doll.
The proportionally big head, combined with her proportionally large eyes, full, rosy cheeks, Kewpie-doll mouth and wavy bronze hair literally made Athena look like a porcelain doll brought to life.
From as early as a year old, women would stop me in the store to exclaim about how incredibly gorgeous Athena was. Parents of other children at her preschool, both moms and dads, would remark on how adorable she was. The teachers at her schools were equally enamored, and the cuteness effect was compounded by her shy, reticent and dainty personality. On several occasions, we had to ask the preschool teachers to stop giving Athena her way all the time, including not letting her wear their diamond engagement rings every day.
Even Athena's classmates have been sucked in by her physical cuteness, shy demeanor, and doll-like appearance. They kept trying to pick her up and carry her around. However, contrary to her delicate look, she's actually a very physical, active and muscular girl - in other words, she's a lot heavier than everyone thinks. This is a problem when some of the kids trying to pick her up were 10 pounds lighter, resulting in some unfortunate incidents, including Athena being dropped on her head more than once. We had to reprimand teachers, playground monitors and after-school care leaders to put a complete stop to anyone trying to lift or carry Athena around like their personal, living doll.
At first, Athena basked in all of the attention her cuteness brought. She would preen and beam as Target checkers, other shoppers, teachers and children exclaimed and fawned over her incredible, teeth-clenching cuteness. Her big sister was an amazingly good sport about all of this - but then, that's why we call her Quokka.
Gradually, Athena stopped appreciating the attention to her looks and began to recognize how limiting it was to just be "cute."
Along with all of the nice attention has been some really negative attention. Athena's cuteness has resulted in her being harassed by older boys almost every year she's been in school. Since she has an older sister who is pretty, as well as friends who are attractive, all of us were aware that this kind of negative attention was specific to her. And the boys, when confronted, all blamed it on her cuteness.
Among the incidents, she was repeatedly chased by fifth-grade boys who would shout at her and charge her while she played on the school playground because she looked so cute as she fled in terror yelling for help. Then on several occasions, some sixth grade boys decided to chase her, knock her down and tickle her because she was so cute laughing and screaming for mercy.
She was so very cute, it didn't even register with those boys that what they were doing was terrorizing a little kid, a six year old who was 30 or 40 pounds lighter, six years younger and a foot shorter than them. She was just really entertaining and cute; a thing to be played with, not a full person with feelings and boundaries to be considered.
Athena, by seven, had already figured out that being "cute" made her into an object, something to be picked up and played with. She knew how dis-empowering it is to be objectified because things do not have power, things are not dynamic, things do not kick ass and take names, and now, Athena very much does.
For every door that opens and every special consideration she gets because of her physical beauty, there will be someone who dismisses her as just cute, someone who does not listen to her opinion or believe her expertise because she's too pretty to be smart (yes, those people are out there), someone who will harass her because they are so distracted by her beauty they cannot see the person underneath, someone who will not promote her or pick her or consider her as anything more than a living doll, a thing, cute.
Athena is so much more. She is meticulous, detailed and exacting. She is driven and ambitious, intuitive, thoughtful and strategic. She tries really hard to be really good at what interests her. She is tough and feisty and strong. She is dynamic and complicated - sometimes moody and difficult, sometimes bright and thoughtful and sweet. If you cross her, she will get revenge no matter how long it takes, and the retribution will be creative and effective. She cries at the drop of a hat, but she'll try again anyway until she wins or gets it right. She is so, so much more than just her cute packaging.
She is a fast runner and a tough athlete who gets up to try again if she falls. She is a fearless tree climber, awesome on the bars, and can cross the playground rings and climb to the very top of the tall climbing poles at her school. She’s a great reader and ahead of her grade level for comprehension. She is an amazing artist who creates meticulous crafts and drawings. She is a good friend who is thoughtful about other people. She is a great sister who willingly and lovingly helps her little sister, and refrains from clobbering her older sister no matter how great the provocation.
She has skills and capabilities, feelings and drives that have nothing at all to do with how she looks.
And she's smart enough to know that every time someone describes her as cute they are limiting her. "Cute" is where their description ends because that's it, they've objectified her and turned her into a doll, a thing. Things don’t have needs or drives or skills or feelings; they're just there for the rest of us to use or enjoy.
Which is why about a year ago, Athena started telling everyone, with narrowed eyes, tense lips, and a steely tone, "DON'T call me cute!"
We can compliment specific things about her appearance (nice outfit choice, beautiful smile, your eyes match your shirt today) but we cannot, under any circumstances, use a generic "cute" to describe her or compliment her. If we comment on her appearance, she nails us with an accusing stare until we mention something about her personality, character or behavior as well. (Of course, the really tough thing is that she looks so damn cute while telling everyone to NOT CALL HER CUTE!!!! It really is tough on the poor kid to be taken seriously - no sarcasm at all here.)
Athena has declared war on objectification – hers specifically, and more pointedly on the cursed “cute.” She demands everyone acknowledge how they are trying to limit her to a single dimension of herself, the shallowest aspect that is her pleasing physical appearance. She requires everyone to raise the bar by considering her as a multi-faceted human being who will not be a thing.
Don't call her cute, not anymore. Call her smart, crafty, subversive, difficult or strong, but not cute, never again.
Athena has always been cute (okay, not always - she did have a couple of months of looking like Winston Churchill, but other than that, the cute is nearly painful in intensity). I mean really grab-her-up-and-munch-her-cheeks cute. Her head was in the 98th percentile when she was born (gets it from her big-headed dad, who is also pretty damn cute and extremely photogenic). Now, that sounds like it would be freaky looking right? Nope, what it does is make a person look like a living doll.
 |
| See, cute |
The proportionally big head, combined with her proportionally large eyes, full, rosy cheeks, Kewpie-doll mouth and wavy bronze hair literally made Athena look like a porcelain doll brought to life.
From as early as a year old, women would stop me in the store to exclaim about how incredibly gorgeous Athena was. Parents of other children at her preschool, both moms and dads, would remark on how adorable she was. The teachers at her schools were equally enamored, and the cuteness effect was compounded by her shy, reticent and dainty personality. On several occasions, we had to ask the preschool teachers to stop giving Athena her way all the time, including not letting her wear their diamond engagement rings every day.
Even Athena's classmates have been sucked in by her physical cuteness, shy demeanor, and doll-like appearance. They kept trying to pick her up and carry her around. However, contrary to her delicate look, she's actually a very physical, active and muscular girl - in other words, she's a lot heavier than everyone thinks. This is a problem when some of the kids trying to pick her up were 10 pounds lighter, resulting in some unfortunate incidents, including Athena being dropped on her head more than once. We had to reprimand teachers, playground monitors and after-school care leaders to put a complete stop to anyone trying to lift or carry Athena around like their personal, living doll.
 |
| Like a cute living fairy doll |
At first, Athena basked in all of the attention her cuteness brought. She would preen and beam as Target checkers, other shoppers, teachers and children exclaimed and fawned over her incredible, teeth-clenching cuteness. Her big sister was an amazingly good sport about all of this - but then, that's why we call her Quokka.
Gradually, Athena stopped appreciating the attention to her looks and began to recognize how limiting it was to just be "cute."
Along with all of the nice attention has been some really negative attention. Athena's cuteness has resulted in her being harassed by older boys almost every year she's been in school. Since she has an older sister who is pretty, as well as friends who are attractive, all of us were aware that this kind of negative attention was specific to her. And the boys, when confronted, all blamed it on her cuteness.
Among the incidents, she was repeatedly chased by fifth-grade boys who would shout at her and charge her while she played on the school playground because she looked so cute as she fled in terror yelling for help. Then on several occasions, some sixth grade boys decided to chase her, knock her down and tickle her because she was so cute laughing and screaming for mercy.
She was so very cute, it didn't even register with those boys that what they were doing was terrorizing a little kid, a six year old who was 30 or 40 pounds lighter, six years younger and a foot shorter than them. She was just really entertaining and cute; a thing to be played with, not a full person with feelings and boundaries to be considered.
Athena, by seven, had already figured out that being "cute" made her into an object, something to be picked up and played with. She knew how dis-empowering it is to be objectified because things do not have power, things are not dynamic, things do not kick ass and take names, and now, Athena very much does.
Pretty is as Pretty Does
When we Puff parents first started thinking about having kids, we considered the genetic lottery for looks, taking into account our collective features, and figured it could turn out well or really, really bad. Luckily, we hit three-for-three on the good side. Athena's cuteness is a happy genetic accident - the right DNA for the right features all came together and, barring any tragic accidents or freak puberty changes, Athena will be gorgeous for life. It's a gift and a curse. |
| Sad, but still cute |
Athena is so much more. She is meticulous, detailed and exacting. She is driven and ambitious, intuitive, thoughtful and strategic. She tries really hard to be really good at what interests her. She is tough and feisty and strong. She is dynamic and complicated - sometimes moody and difficult, sometimes bright and thoughtful and sweet. If you cross her, she will get revenge no matter how long it takes, and the retribution will be creative and effective. She cries at the drop of a hat, but she'll try again anyway until she wins or gets it right. She is so, so much more than just her cute packaging.
She is a fast runner and a tough athlete who gets up to try again if she falls. She is a fearless tree climber, awesome on the bars, and can cross the playground rings and climb to the very top of the tall climbing poles at her school. She’s a great reader and ahead of her grade level for comprehension. She is an amazing artist who creates meticulous crafts and drawings. She is a good friend who is thoughtful about other people. She is a great sister who willingly and lovingly helps her little sister, and refrains from clobbering her older sister no matter how great the provocation.
She has skills and capabilities, feelings and drives that have nothing at all to do with how she looks.
And she's smart enough to know that every time someone describes her as cute they are limiting her. "Cute" is where their description ends because that's it, they've objectified her and turned her into a doll, a thing. Things don’t have needs or drives or skills or feelings; they're just there for the rest of us to use or enjoy.
Which is why about a year ago, Athena started telling everyone, with narrowed eyes, tense lips, and a steely tone, "DON'T call me cute!"
 |
| Not amused by this, at all really... |
Athena has declared war on objectification – hers specifically, and more pointedly on the cursed “cute.” She demands everyone acknowledge how they are trying to limit her to a single dimension of herself, the shallowest aspect that is her pleasing physical appearance. She requires everyone to raise the bar by considering her as a multi-faceted human being who will not be a thing.
Don't call her cute, not anymore. Call her smart, crafty, subversive, difficult or strong, but not cute, never again.
